Cognizant
by Cho's boyfriend
Summary: A story of witches, wizards, dragons all rolled up in a familar story....
1. Default Chapter

The tiny moon orbiting the disc slowly spun through its never-ending cycle

Cognizant

The tiny moon orbiting the disc slowly spun through its never-ending cycle. The night was darker than usual the moonlight barely penetrated the vast cloud cover. Over the country of Lancre all was quiet. The villagers were all sleeping and the creatures scurried about their business not making a sound. Not even a coven was present on the moors and mountainsides. Now _that_ was unusual. But now, above the cloud cover in the stillness of the night was something even more unusual. Across the moon's light a silhouette flew, briefly. The dragon beat it's wings, flew past the moon again, purely for dramatic reasons, and swooped below the clouds. The ground below whizzed past, patchworks of fields, stitching of rivers and stains of houses.Above the hills stood the unstable castle of Lancre surrounded by the deep treacherous moat. The dragon flew past the towers. There was an almighty crash, a funny beating noise, a couple of bangs and a sad little splosh.At the bottom of the moat, the dragon sat up and shook his head. He was _sure_ that tower wasn't there before. In fact he was sure _he _wasn't there before.

******

'Would you bloody well let go?!' 

'Now, now Nanny,' tutted Agnes, 'you know you shouldn't swear at patients.'

' I said she could hold my hand for reassurance not bloody break it!' replied Nanny over the din.

The pregnant mother lay in the straw, clutching Nanny Ogg and chewing on a pencil. The three women shared the stable with a flock of chickens, two goats and a donkey that were all standing around watching with interest.

'Just try and distract her,' called Nanny Ogg.

Agnes looked lost for a minute as she thought of a good conversation.

'Err, well, so you don't know who the father is?'

Nanny Ogg gave her a stare that could have broken down doors.

'Brilliant,' she muttered and went to help the mother who explained to her through gasps for air.

' There was no father,' she faltered, ' I just found out, just like that.'

'It's alright,' said Nanny Ogg soothingly, ' you don't need to make excuses to us, don't worry yourself about it,'

'But t-,' she started,

'Anyway, lets sort you out, here, why don't you hold Agnes hand a minute?'

The whole village celebrated the new birth and the mother was given time to rest as the baby was handed around the woman who all made funny 'cooing' noises in hope the baby would laugh at them and no-one else. His mother had named him Ritcsh and he was instantly adored. By the wayside the three witches stared at the gathering of people. Granny Weatherwax eyed the child suspiciously,

'You say she doesn't know who the father is?' she murmured to Nanny.

'No, she didn't seem to have a clue,'

'Well we've either got a bad liar or she's telling the truth,'

Granny turned to Nanny,

'o.k. Go on then, I can see you've been itching to do it for ages, just don't make too much of a fuss.'

Nanny Ogg whooped with delight and went to pinch the little cherubs fat little cheeks. Granny sighed, there was definitely something wrong with the lad, she could feel it in her bones.

' I can feel it in my bones, I don't need this bloody calculator to tell me things you know lad,'

Ponder Stibbons stared at Archchancellor Ridcully with a look of disgust,

'It's not a calculator, it's a very sophisticated computer, called Hex by the way, and it detected a massive surge of raw magic over a million thaums powerful about four hours ago.'

Ridcully stared back,

'I know,'

Ponder sighed, trying to get one over the Archchancellor was like trying to eat soup with chopsticks. Though not for lack of trying, 

' Of course, of course, but the thing is, where did the magic come from and why did the magic come from?'

Ponder went over the speech in his head,

'I meant why did it appear from? I mean why did it came? O sod it, you know what I mean,'

'Yes Mr.Stibbons, but, I'm afraid I don't have the answer to those questions, but, I do know what we are going to do about them,'

' And that is?'

'Nothing, we always end up finding out one way or another we may as well just lay back and wait for a catastrophic disaster of reality-bending proportions,'

'As usual,' sighed Ponder, ' as usual.'

******

'Wasn't he a sweetie?' 

'Yes Nanny.'

'So cute with his little hands just gripping you like that,'

'Yes Nanny.'

'And the way he gurgled and laughed at me when I pulled that face.'

' Well I think I would have gurgled if you pulled that face at me,'

'And the way he was sick all over Agnes, wasn't that sweet?'

'Nanny?'

' Yes Granny,'

' Shut up.'

There was silence as the trio of witches marched through the woods on their way to Granny's house. Eventually they arrived at the clearing and entered by the back door.Granny and Nanny sat down as Agnes started the fire and put the teapot on. They sat there in an embarrassed silence until a tapping at the window awoke them from their trance. Granny sighed.

'Bloody bird,' she complained, walking over to the window. She undid the catch and the bird flew over to the table.It stared at the trio for a while, cocked its head on one side and with a cry of, 'Bombs away!' crapped on the table. 

'He just spoke!' screamed Agnes,

'He can speak?' murmured Nanny in astonishment

'Sod that!' shouted Granny, 'E' crapped on my table!'

'Language old women,' cackled the Raven, ' you'll do yourself a mischief jumping up and down like that, it's not as if I aimed for that deep impossible to scrape out groove in the table.'

' Of course not you daft crow! That was _accidental_ yes, yes of course, but the point is why are you back so soon? You've found something out all ready surely not.'

'Hang on, hang on,' interrupted Nanny, ' I get the feeling me and Agnes have missed something here.'

'Well,' Granny smiled in a mischievous way, ' as soon as that baby thing was born I could sense something was wrong and set down to some 'borrowing'. The animals are more in tune with the ways of the Disc you see and I came across the Raven here,' she nodded her head in his direction, ' a marvel I dare say and managed to bring him back here after some thoughtful 'persuasion' and have been talking to him ever since.'

'Wow,' Agnes sighed in admiration, ' this Raven can talk? Pretty impressive and what did he know of the Disc, of its ancient cultures, what did he teach you?'

'He showed me were a fine patch of Furrowgred Mushrooms were growing.'

'_And?_' Nanny commented.

'What do you mean_ and_? Those things are bloody rare you know!' Granny snorted, ' anyway that's not the point since he knew about the Disc about as much as I know about cabbages I've sent him spying on the mother and child.'

'You can't do that!' protested Nanny

'Too late.' Came the reply. 


	2. Chapter 2

**'Well did you find out anything?' asked Granny irritably.**

** **

**'I did find out one thing, and that is..' the Raven paused, purely for dramatic effect, '.. the mother is planning a long journey soon, apparently she is heading to Ankh-Morpork, to avoid the new King's taxes.'**

** **

**Granny snorted, 'Taxes don't bother me.'**

** **

**' No Esme, but, you know how much they bother everyone else, can't pay this, won't pay that its the gossip of the country this new king he's raised the taxes through the roof,'**

** **

**'Yes, well I can't be doing with gossip, don't believe anything anyone else tells you, ever, and you know we shouldn't mess with kings it's their problem, no _interfering._'**

** **

**'Yeah and you paid a lot of attention to that one last time, Esme, this time we will leave things as-'**

** **

**But she was talking to herself. **

** **

** **

**The cottage had a low roof with ancient beams sprawling across the ceiling sagging dangerously in the middle. The mother sat in a rocking chair with the baby wrapped in a blanket and sleeping on her lap. The candle flickered and she drifted into a deep sleep.**

**_ _**

**Raym, you must take the little chap to Ankh-Morpork and hide there as the new king is after him. Don't do anything stupid, keep off the beer, and keep off the fags and check your calorie count and-'**

** **

**Raym's inner conscience stood in.**

** **

**'Who are you? And why are you telling me these things?'**

** **

**Raym I am your helper, your eternal soul, I will look over you wherever you go, I am Algebri I am an Angel sent to look after you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.**

** **

**'Well thanks, I'll see you later but right now I need some sleep, Goodnight.'**

** **

**Algebri stood there among the clouds mouth hanging open.**

** **

**Well, OK, Goodnight, ****He moaned, ****It wasn't this hard last time. ****Shaking his head he clicked his fingers. Beside him a faint silvery ladder dropped lightly to the cloud he grasped it with the strength of a God and started climbing. Unfortunately the ladder didn't have the strengths of Gods. Or maybe it had the strength of Sslofydnac the God of Fairground sweets but that's not the point. There was a faint 'snap' up above Algebri. ****Oh, Bugger.**

** **

**Granny Weatherwax marched with determination down the hillside and towards Lancre. There was a crunch under-foot; she slowly looked down waiting to see the worst. There, in multicoloured splinters was, a candy cane. She eyed it suspiciously. There was a noise ahead of her that can best be described as 'plupyk'. Slowly she looked up, there ahead of her was a tree but the untreely thing about it was that instead of leaves and fruit the tree blossomed small nappies. Granny quickened her pace.**

** **

**At the foot of the hill the entire of Lancre could be seen lights flickering in each thatched cottage. She strode past Nanny's house and into the centre of Lancre. The castle stood in the distance, creaked dangerously in the gentle breeze. There by itself, stood Raym's house on the side of the village green. Granny walked up to it and knocked hard on the door. There was no answer. She knocked harder. Still no answer. Cursing to herself she pushed open the door. Inside, the room looked hurriedly deserted. Things were scattered everywhere and in the centre of the room a rocking chair rocked seemly to itself slowly, over and over again. Granny walked over to it and gently stopped it. She turned to look out the window.**

** **

**Behind her the creaking started again slowly at first but quickening. Again she went to stop it. Although this time she could feel it trying to move itself again. She took her hand off and it rocked faster and faster. She left the room cursing again and there, on the edge of hearing was a faint babies cry. She only heard it because she was expecting it. She left through the back door and peered up to the main road past Sto Lat and to Ankh-Morpork. There silhouetted on the horizon was a mother riding a donkey, a small child in her arms. She was riding with all the grace of a sack of potatoes.**

** **

** **

**Death stared, with his blue super nova eyes at his model of the Disc. His study dotted with documents and ancient scrolls. Upon inspection one would notice the words,**

** **

What to do yn a cas of emerjensee.

**Death scratched his chin with a noise like a drunken cockroach sprinting across sandpaper. He sighed and turned to the contents. His finger scraped down the page until he got to,**

** **

Profets and profesees and sons ov god and aktors.

**The page number was flipped to. Death cringed, **

** **

**ACTORS, ****WHAT A DREADFUL PROBLEM THEY ARE.**

** **

**There was a shuffle beside him and a tiny skeletal paw pointed to the page and a black robe coughed politely.**

** **

**OH, YES, SORRY BACK TO THE PROBLEM, THE, OTHER PROBLEM**

** **

**SQUEAK?**

** **

**WELL OF COURSE**

** **

**SQUEAK, SQUEAK**

** **

**AS ALWAYS**

** **

**SQUEAK, SQ-SQ SQUEAK?**

** **

**DON'T BE STUPID**

** **

**SQUEAK**

** **

**SO WHAT DID SHE SAY AFTER YOU, ****YOU KNOW******

**SQUEAK came the sad reply,**

** **

**O, WELL YOU DEFINETLY BLEW IT DIDN'T YOU**

** **

**SQUEAK**

** **

**HE-HE-HE-HE, Death gave a noise very much like a snort**

** **

**SQUEAK SQUEAK!!**

** **

**NO, SORRY IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL**


End file.
